When Your Loved One Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Many relationships with someone who is narcissistic or borderline don't last, like this which make the recovery process from these relationships so complex. Whether you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or love someone who the enormous benefits we derive from recovery is improving our relationships. Is there a way to end a relationship with BPD person without traumatizing my partner? Vanshita Kaushik, A Recovering BPD patient and Stay at home mom.
How can I communicate effectively during a crisis? When a loved one becomes reactive, they may become to insult you or make unfair accusations.
The natural response is to become defensive and to match the level of reactivity. They struggle to gauge what is a minor issue and what is a full blown catastrophe. They interpret your defensiveness as not being valued. Instead, when they become reactive, take the time to listen without pointing out the flaws in their argument. Try not to take it personally. If the person does point out something you could improve or have done wrong, acknowledge their point, apologize, and suggest a way you can improve on the matter in the future.
What if they threaten to hurt themselves? A crisis is escalating if a person with BPD begins to threaten to harm themselves. Sometimes self-harm signs may be less overt, such as scratching the skin, eating less, coloring or shaving off hair, or isolating from others.
Recognizing early signs can help prevent an emotional crisis from becoming more serious or requiring medical or psychiatric attention. Instead, you invite the individual to talk about their emotions and allow yourself to gauge whether professional assistance is necessary.
All threats of suicide should be taken seriously. Even if the behavior is attention-seeking, it can result in seriously harm or even death. This sends the message that they have an enormous amount of power over all arguments.
Instead, ask your family member what they would feel most comfortable doing when they threaten injury. They might want to speak with their therapist, call a hotline, or walk with you into an emergency room.
Allowing them some amount of agency in of deescalating a crisis can help calm out of control emotions. What other strategies can reduce conflict? I value for the most part! Improve your validation skills.
Validating is a communication skill where you non-judgmentally listen to someone and let them know that their experience is real and understandable. This does not mean you agree with their position.
This skill is very helpful in de-escalating strong emotions in another, and in delivering an assertive request, or denial to a request. Ask yourself, "so what?
If it is, then go ahead and assert yourself. But the next time a task isn't done exactly right, ask yourself, "so what? Learn how to skillfully ask for your own needs to be met. This requires skill in balancing your request with firmness and gentleness, being clear, and making it about you, not their deficiencies.
Being able to clearly articulate the reward to them for granting your request is also very important. You will feel stronger and more satisfied, and your partner will feel like they can count on you to do the right thing, no matter how much they push against you. They cannot get away from their pain, their insecurities, their fears, so they have to be the center of the universe.
What You Need to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder
Those of us that were in relationships with Borderlines ended up putting the borderline in the center of our universe. Often, we had our family or our job or our friends or activities in the center of our universe. Clearly, all these things change, so our lives are not stabile.
Spirituality helps us stabilize ourselves. However, I respect all religion, be it Buddhism, Christianity or any other religion, as long as the religion does not require violence and is based on love and spiritual fulfillment.
The Basics of Religion and Sprituality There are many books that provide basic information on religion, but organized religion provides a solid foundation for healing. Good churches will actually help you get meaning, then will help you shed your pain, grow through your shortcomings and pains so you can see the world and live a more fulfilled life.
Through a good church, you could: The right church for you, be it a Christian church, a Buddhist Temple, a Mosque or a Synagogue, will give you a good foundation. It allows the borderline an outlet for much of their obsessive behavior and attitudes, to the point of unhealthy. There are stories I haven't confirmed that BPDs will often join cults and other groups like this.
Spiritual fulfillment grounds you, takes yourself or your family or other distractions out of the center of our universe, and keeps us well-rounded and grounded. I read back to my first post, Healand how I felt back then. I think about my life now, where I am, and how far I've come. It's been a long road, there were tough times along the way, but life is good. Life is real good. It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic.
Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved.
Personal Life Update So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do. My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.
My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments.
My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly BPD Relationship Recovery Takes a Long Time I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard.
It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was. It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully. I recently received an email which summed it all up: Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible.
Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process. The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.
We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life. One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated: If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were.
You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation. It's within your reach. Now go get it. Time to get back to business.
Where to Go From Here? This blog continues to grow in its readership, and I continue to get encouraging comments about the blog. Thanks to each of you about this. I've been trying to move the blog over to another platform at www.
Breakup with BPD
So, I'm in a bit of a quagmire. Let me know what you think I should do: One other thing that I'm finding is that BPDs are now providing comments on this site. I haven't published any of them as I think that this should be a place for those recovering from a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to find solace. This is the Us project. Let me know your thoughts and feelings. I'm back from my summer vacation -- as I continue to recover, my topics will get less, so please, if you'd like to be a guest blogger, let me know.Going Mental: How to Rebuild your Self-Esteem After a Relationship with a Narcissist or Borderline
Drop a line to mybpdrecovery gmail. I'd love to get some guest bloggers. Keep the fight, keep the faith, and keep moving forward.