Ways spouses hurt each other without even realizing it - Capital Lifestyle
Often, partners refuse to offer empathy to each other because they feel that As hurt and resentment accumulate in a relationship, it becomes. That constant undercurrent of unhappiness bleeds into all the other areas of your life. If you take a hard look at your relationship and realize you. 15 Dumb Things You're Doing That Hurt Your Marriage If you find yourselves blaming each other for who ruined the vacation or whose fault it.
Are You and Your Partner Hurting Each Other?
Closed, protective, controlling energy -- energy that is harsh, dismissive, defensive, resistant, shut down, judgmental, blaming or angry creates a disconnection between partners. So does complaining and being a victim.
While you might cover up the pain of the loneliness and heartache of this disconnection with your own closed, protective, controlling energy, inside you are hurting and not attending to your pain. When you haven't learned to compassionately connect with your own painful feelings of a loved one's disconnected energy, and attend to your loneliness and heartache with deep kindness and tenderness, you will have a hard time caring about your partner's hurt.
You want your partner to care about how he or she is hurting you, and your partner wants the same thing, but if neither of you are caring about yourselves, then it is likely that you are not caring about each other either. When you disconnect from yourself by closing down from feeling your loneliness and heartache, and your partner does the same, there is no way of connecting with each other.
You have created a disconnected protective circle where both of you are hurting. Healing the Disconnection The beginning of healing this disconnection is to be willing to feel your loneliness and heartache with compassion toward yourself. This awareness about your own feelings will enable you to gently speak up to your partner, saying something like, "What you are saying right now is hurting me," or "Your judgmental tone is hurtful to me. When you react with anger, judgment or withdrawal, your partner may not know what he or she did or said that was hurtful to you.
Most of us are not very aware of our own protective controlling behavior, but when you are open to learning about it with your partner, you can learn so much that will bring you closer to each other. The key here is to stay open to learning with yourself and your partner about your feelings and behavior.
By staying open to learning about your painful feelings and your partner's feelings, you can both learn to be kinder, gentler, more connected and more loving with each other. She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a pair of boots that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. When I tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make us 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at me.
Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love. Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time. When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good.
And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right.Ali and Andrew Part 1: Why Did You Cheat on Me? - The And - Glamour
The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. With out them, we get lost and lose track of one another. Being Willing to End It Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture.
But somehow we look at this story as romantic. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery. Feeling Attraction for People Outside the Relationship Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason.
Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts.
And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.
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This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship. When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you suppression rather than dictating your behavior for yourself feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything.
People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?
Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack.
And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. But real intimacy is not.
When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will. Spending Time Apart You see it all the time: We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship.
When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires.
Are You and Your Partner Hurting Each Other? | HuffPost Life
The problem only arises when this actually happens. The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.
Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place.